How do you get through despair?

the void doesn’t come with directions

there is no light to be seen when you’re right in the middle

you just turn in this dizzy circle & all you can see

is dark, & dark, & dark & more dark

till you give up turning & just sit sick in the nothing

all shadows are subject to sun I guess but

where is it! fuck knows! the shadows are too damn big

which makes the sun big too but it’s not present

& I have nothing to bask in but black & grey

but that’s not basking it’s just… pain

& the world revolves so bright & giddy up on that other side

but I’m not there I’m here, alone

& I don’t know where to go cos every

attempt at navigation only makes me more lost

more far away from the yellow-warm I used to know

can they hear me, do you think?

if I yell a little louder, a little hoarser every day

can I get someone to save me

when I tried to save myself & failed

can I ask for help when I’ve only ever answered

I don’t have the answers anymore

only questions, & questions, & questions & more questions

I had a vision & there’s black paint smeared over it like

an ugly mistake

& the mistakes are all my own

cos I was a naïve fool who thought dreams could never be shot down

cos I have only ever been subject to my own optimism

but it’s a cynic’s kingdom, this one

& it feels like they’re locking me in.

***

Devon Webb is a writer & editor based in New Zealand. She is an in-house writer for Erato Magazine, an editor for Prismatica Press & Naked Cat Publishing, & has had her work included in over fifty publications worldwide. She is currently working on the final edits of her debut novel, The Acid Mile, & can be found on social media at @devonwebbnz.